My Big Day was the best ride yet

Andy and Molly were both coming with me today. Andy couldn't take another day off work so spent a lot of the time before we left sending mails. I was getting more and more wound up about the appointment and struggling to get Molly ready, toys for her for the journey and enough snacks together for the day!
When we finally got there after sitting in traffic forever I want off to x-ray whilst Andy took Molly off for lunch. I didn't want her to hear some of the conversation I wanted to have with the surgeon, which was a shame as it meant Andy missed it.
When I got back to orthapeadics he was really laying in to trainee registrar. It was really quite funny. The poor bloke was so embarrassed as he knew I heard every word. My surgeon is very good and therefore a little arrogant, he seems to be able to charm or disarm people as he wishes. When I was called into the surgeons office to look at the x-rays I was so relived. All the pins are in the right place. We looked over all the old x-rays and everyone was impressed at how far out my pelvis was and to where it sits now. It feels amazing to know all the pain and the tears have been worth it.

One stable pelvis (with a little metal work)

I have another 3 months of being very careful walking and using the crutches outside the house but if I am sure I am absolutely fine I can lose them sooner. I have a lovely letter for my local hospital to ask them to start physio and hydro too. That will be the best bit seeing how much I can do and working on little exercises or something to start making it all better. I can't wait to get back in that pool.

I go back to the surgeon in another 12 weeks. I shall be stick free and addiction free by then just you watch!

3 Months on

I can not believe it has been 3 months now since i had my operation. I have hardly used the wheel chair this month at all.  I am now pretty free to move around the house unaided too. All this has made a big difference to being able to look after Molly.

I am still taking all the tramadol. I know I am dependent on it and can tell if I am only a few hours late missing a dose, not just because of the pain levels but I also start to feel agitated and emotional. I am amazed at my dependency on the drug (and a little scared). Hopefully I will be able to talk to my new doctor about this soon and work out a plan to come off the tramadol without experiencing the withdrawal. I am also still on warfarin to prevents any clots. Although there is not really much of an issue being on warfarin apart from staying away from sharp knifes and having to have weekly blood tests it would be nice to not be taking drugs continually.

I have met with a few old friends this month too. People I have not seen since before the operation but who also knew me before I had Molly. They all think I am not only looking more like my old self but acting like her too. I am glad I look better I only hope its a good thing I am acting differently too!

Tomorrow is a big day. We are back at the hospital again for more x rays and a review from the surgeon. I am hoping tomorrow I will be given the all clear to start physiotherapy.  I think this will be another big step in the recovery as this will help me use the muscles correctly now that the pelvis physically can no longer move.

Think good thoughts for me please and pray if you do

Saturday 26th June - withdrawal

I don't quite no where to start with this, so here is a brief update. The last few weeks I had been doing great felt like I was turning some big corners. I can walk a little further and was getting used to the pain. So much so that when I started to run out of pain relief.  I didn't realise the implications. I am down to only really relying on Tramadol now, so when I noticed I was low I phoned the surgery for a repeat prescription who said the earliest would be Friday lunch time. I had only enough for one dose and I needed two. So I missed the night time dose and took some other fairly strong relief instead. I couldn't get to sleep and the next morning felt incredibly teary and frustrated. I was scared to take the tramadol now as I recognised these symptoms for the withdrawal I suffered coming off of the morphine. I began to panic and phoned the doctor. He explained he has already signed the prescription for tramadol but would issue another for something else if I wanted it. Wanted it? I don't know what I want but I know I am not right. I wanted someone to take charge and tell me what to do. I phoned Kate instead - we arrange to meet at the chemist. After I pick up prescription we sit in the coffee shop. Kate is worried. I collect Molly from preschool and Andy takes us home. That night the pains start. I have stomach cramps, sickness and diarrhoea and the shakes and sweats soon follow. I have no idea what to do. I start seeing things and really begin to panic. By morning I am a wreck. Andy is taking Molly to ballet and I know I can't be alone. I have a hair appointment already booked so I decide the best thing is to go to that rather than be alone.
As I sit in the hairdressers for nearly 3 hours. I regularly leave to be sick and have to explain why I am ill. I decide to phone NHS direct who advise to get to a walk in clinic or hospital asap. I leave with gorgeous hair and the body of the dead. At the walk in clinic there treatment is amazing, I am advised to get a new doctor who should refer me to counselling and also manage withdrawal, I am put back on the same high dose of tramadol and told I should be weaned off over 5 months.
I am unable to cope with Molly this afternoon so whilst Andy takes a much needed nap a friend looks after her while I go to another friends for coffee. I let it all pour out and sit and cry for hours. I feel a little better after!
So, I have now registered with a new surgery and already seen my new doctor. He seemed a little surprised at my account. I shall make another appointment to see him soon to discuss moving forward.
So that's it really back on the painkillers and living life with crutches or a wheelchair.

Friday 11th June

I have Molly to myself this evening and it is the most beautiful evening in a long time.
Andy has gone back to Coventry to watch the England game so my friend collects Molly from nursery for me.
I explain to Molly she needs to be extra good and help me help her and she is a dream. She helps me in the kitchen make her dinner and offers to lay the table. Although to be honest this was a waste as we sat on the couch and watched scooby doo whilst eating dinner instead.
At 7.00pm Molly announced it was time for bed. We went upstairs and read a book and then Molly said night night. I made my way down stairs and did not hear a peep out of her.
I am so proud that even after all the changes to what routine we did have my lovely lady knows how to behave to help her mum.

June - I month on

The first few weeks in June fly by. After the initial dreadfulness of being home and the loneliest of being home but down stairs has warn off.
We are in much more of a routine and friends and visitors come and go and its fun. I can hear myself laughing and I like the sound of it.
I still struggle when other children are around, the noise for some reason really bothers me where it never did before and I have no patience for them other than for Molly.
Molly has been terrific. She has been passed from pillar to post for 2 months nearly and hardly seems to let it effect her. She had so much fun playing at peoples houses there for a while. Now sadly though she doesn't want to, and has decided to spend one day with mummy and 4 days in nursery. I guess she craves the structure nursery offers her.
I have lost over two and half stone since this all began. From the first day I was weighed by the surgeon in Eastbourne til now.  I still have a way to go to lose another stone to get back to what I was when I had Molly.
Even being in the wheelchair to go out shopping is not so embarrassing and I look forward to Sundays - going to church in the morning and spending the afternoon in town. We go for cake in Starbucks and then buy some clothes or bits before wandering home.

21 DPO - 29/30/31 st May

It has rained for the past few days and many days nights have merged into one
I am alone so much more that I am home that I can't cope with this feeling. I don't want people to pop in and leave me as I feel so much lonelier when they are gone.
I am wishing this week away and praying that by next week the withdrawal will have ended.

18 DPO - 28th May

I cry on everyone and anyone who calls or pops in to see me.
I can't control this and I am so frightened. I want to go back into hospital this can't be right this is not how it was meant to be. The pain is unbearable but this dispair and tears is too much.
When a good friend phones she recognises immediately the withdrawal symptoms not only from the pain killers but from being institutionalised. She takes control and phones the doctors for me who change my medication strength so the withdrawal is not so intense.
Its not even sad things that make me cry, its a disgusting self pity crying that I hate to allow flow. I dont want to let it out because the hurt feels like I should be punished.

This evening is much better, Andy and Molly sit and eat on my bed with me and molly falls asleep next to me. It is going to get better but I fear this is the hardest part now.