I have Molly to myself this evening and it is the most beautiful evening in a long time.
Andy has gone back to Coventry to watch the England game so my friend collects Molly from nursery for me.
I explain to Molly she needs to be extra good and help me help her and she is a dream. She helps me in the kitchen make her dinner and offers to lay the table. Although to be honest this was a waste as we sat on the couch and watched scooby doo whilst eating dinner instead.
At 7.00pm Molly announced it was time for bed. We went upstairs and read a book and then Molly said night night. I made my way down stairs and did not hear a peep out of her.
I am so proud that even after all the changes to what routine we did have my lovely lady knows how to behave to help her mum.
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Friday, 25 June 2010
June - I month on
The first few weeks in June fly by. After the initial dreadfulness of being home and the loneliest of being home but down stairs has warn off.
We are in much more of a routine and friends and visitors come and go and its fun. I can hear myself laughing and I like the sound of it.
I still struggle when other children are around, the noise for some reason really bothers me where it never did before and I have no patience for them other than for Molly.
Molly has been terrific. She has been passed from pillar to post for 2 months nearly and hardly seems to let it effect her. She had so much fun playing at peoples houses there for a while. Now sadly though she doesn't want to, and has decided to spend one day with mummy and 4 days in nursery. I guess she craves the structure nursery offers her.
I have lost over two and half stone since this all began. From the first day I was weighed by the surgeon in Eastbourne til now. I still have a way to go to lose another stone to get back to what I was when I had Molly.
Even being in the wheelchair to go out shopping is not so embarrassing and I look forward to Sundays - going to church in the morning and spending the afternoon in town. We go for cake in Starbucks and then buy some clothes or bits before wandering home.
We are in much more of a routine and friends and visitors come and go and its fun. I can hear myself laughing and I like the sound of it.
I still struggle when other children are around, the noise for some reason really bothers me where it never did before and I have no patience for them other than for Molly.
Molly has been terrific. She has been passed from pillar to post for 2 months nearly and hardly seems to let it effect her. She had so much fun playing at peoples houses there for a while. Now sadly though she doesn't want to, and has decided to spend one day with mummy and 4 days in nursery. I guess she craves the structure nursery offers her.
I have lost over two and half stone since this all began. From the first day I was weighed by the surgeon in Eastbourne til now. I still have a way to go to lose another stone to get back to what I was when I had Molly.
Even being in the wheelchair to go out shopping is not so embarrassing and I look forward to Sundays - going to church in the morning and spending the afternoon in town. We go for cake in Starbucks and then buy some clothes or bits before wandering home.
21 DPO - 29/30/31 st May
It has rained for the past few days and many days nights have merged into one
I am alone so much more that I am home that I can't cope with this feeling. I don't want people to pop in and leave me as I feel so much lonelier when they are gone.
I am wishing this week away and praying that by next week the withdrawal will have ended.
I am alone so much more that I am home that I can't cope with this feeling. I don't want people to pop in and leave me as I feel so much lonelier when they are gone.
I am wishing this week away and praying that by next week the withdrawal will have ended.
18 DPO - 28th May
I cry on everyone and anyone who calls or pops in to see me.
I can't control this and I am so frightened. I want to go back into hospital this can't be right this is not how it was meant to be. The pain is unbearable but this dispair and tears is too much.
When a good friend phones she recognises immediately the withdrawal symptoms not only from the pain killers but from being institutionalised. She takes control and phones the doctors for me who change my medication strength so the withdrawal is not so intense.
Its not even sad things that make me cry, its a disgusting self pity crying that I hate to allow flow. I dont want to let it out because the hurt feels like I should be punished.
This evening is much better, Andy and Molly sit and eat on my bed with me and molly falls asleep next to me. It is going to get better but I fear this is the hardest part now.
I can't control this and I am so frightened. I want to go back into hospital this can't be right this is not how it was meant to be. The pain is unbearable but this dispair and tears is too much.
When a good friend phones she recognises immediately the withdrawal symptoms not only from the pain killers but from being institutionalised. She takes control and phones the doctors for me who change my medication strength so the withdrawal is not so intense.
Its not even sad things that make me cry, its a disgusting self pity crying that I hate to allow flow. I dont want to let it out because the hurt feels like I should be punished.
This evening is much better, Andy and Molly sit and eat on my bed with me and molly falls asleep next to me. It is going to get better but I fear this is the hardest part now.
17 DPO - 27th May 2010
Okay I going home this is the big day we have been working towards.... excited?...no, happy?......no
What is wrong with me? Why am I crying about this?
I should want to go home but I am scared, tired and oh so suffering from the withdrawal.
When the discharge nurse asks what time I want the ambulance to arrive I cry! I could have had the ambulance transfer home after all. Why did no one tell me this? Andy is a few miles away from the hospital there is no way I am not going home in his car now!
The discharge nurse seems very patient with my tears and tantrums though. I go and give my special friend a hug and kiss and she promises to write to me. She seems so vulnerable and I don't want to leave her. I have some good friends here now and it feels like I have been asked to leave the holiday early. I can't quite explain it right.
When we get home I burst into tears, I warn Andy I can't control them and don't understand them. Everything feels like such an anti climax and a disappointment.
What is wrong with me? Why am I crying about this?
I should want to go home but I am scared, tired and oh so suffering from the withdrawal.
When the discharge nurse asks what time I want the ambulance to arrive I cry! I could have had the ambulance transfer home after all. Why did no one tell me this? Andy is a few miles away from the hospital there is no way I am not going home in his car now!
The discharge nurse seems very patient with my tears and tantrums though. I go and give my special friend a hug and kiss and she promises to write to me. She seems so vulnerable and I don't want to leave her. I have some good friends here now and it feels like I have been asked to leave the holiday early. I can't quite explain it right.
When we get home I burst into tears, I warn Andy I can't control them and don't understand them. Everything feels like such an anti climax and a disappointment.
16 DPO - 26th May 2010
I have been awake all night, literally.I went to the toilet at 4 and then fell over too which makes everything worse. My pelvis really hurts but I don't think from the fall particularly although my wrist really huts from that. I see the night doctor who suggests an a ray after ward rounds.
When the surgeon arrives I am terrified he will shout at me! Have I ruined his hard work? He is nice, and looks at my wrist too. He suspects I have fractured a small bone in the wrist and asks for a splint to be worn. At least the pain is not too much of a shock after what I have been through.
I am not going home today after all but definitely tomorrow.
I spend the entire afternoon crying on bed, I keep pulling the curtains round to hide me but some nurse or other keeps pulling them back. The day is like a bad comedy I can't even describe it.
I want Andy to come and get me now and take me away from this place.
When the surgeon arrives I am terrified he will shout at me! Have I ruined his hard work? He is nice, and looks at my wrist too. He suspects I have fractured a small bone in the wrist and asks for a splint to be worn. At least the pain is not too much of a shock after what I have been through.
I am not going home today after all but definitely tomorrow.
I spend the entire afternoon crying on bed, I keep pulling the curtains round to hide me but some nurse or other keeps pulling them back. The day is like a bad comedy I can't even describe it.
I want Andy to come and get me now and take me away from this place.
15 DPO - 25th May 2010
This morning we tackle some steps. I am not kidding you I stopped and cryed with the pain. this can't be right. People can't be expected to do this it seems so inhumane. This hurts so much how can it help? Why won't they just leave me alone? I don't feel ready I am scared. I can't deal with this pain at home alone what is happening?
And then it hits me, withdrawal?
I am being taken off the morphine whether I like it or not and its replaced with a lower dose opiate based pain relief that is given only 2 times a day. My mood dives and I know it.
This afternoon it gets worse. We get word that one of the patients moved out of our bay before I arrived into a private ward died in her room last night. The fear and the sadness is unbelievable. I never met this lady but her death seems so unfair. This is just an orthopaedic ward how can someone die?
To make it worse, my dear and beautiful friend is terrified now of her operation in the morning, And then the drama really begins.
It appears our little princess does not want to go home and her mother refuses to take her. They want her to stay in? I'm sorry what? why? Because they think they are being mistreated, she has not been here as long as some patients - ie me per chance? After the police are called and threaten to arrest them they sulk around for another hour and then quietly leave - no goodbyes or thank yous just waltz off thinking the world owes them a favour.
And then it hits me, withdrawal?
I am being taken off the morphine whether I like it or not and its replaced with a lower dose opiate based pain relief that is given only 2 times a day. My mood dives and I know it.
This afternoon it gets worse. We get word that one of the patients moved out of our bay before I arrived into a private ward died in her room last night. The fear and the sadness is unbelievable. I never met this lady but her death seems so unfair. This is just an orthopaedic ward how can someone die?
To make it worse, my dear and beautiful friend is terrified now of her operation in the morning, And then the drama really begins.
It appears our little princess does not want to go home and her mother refuses to take her. They want her to stay in? I'm sorry what? why? Because they think they are being mistreated, she has not been here as long as some patients - ie me per chance? After the police are called and threaten to arrest them they sulk around for another hour and then quietly leave - no goodbyes or thank yous just waltz off thinking the world owes them a favour.
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